there's this feeling of pseudo-epiphany that rolls over a person when he realizes that there's something wrong with him...

apparently......... i'm one of those...

hahahaha...

dunno... jsut something random to type before running out of laptop batteries...

if my math is right..... and it's usually not nowadays.... it's been a fuggin year since i last submitted my art on DA..... guess i'm that depressed.... or dry..... or just bored now...

hmmm...

something is definitely wrong........

of all the people i see... you stand out

of all the times i wish to spend... it's the times i spend with you i wish for the most

of all the things i want to have.... it's the one's i want to give you that i want more than anything

i love you...

i can't stop thinking about you...

i want to be over you...

i want to be with you...

i miss you too much...

i can't miss you enough...

you can't blame a guy for trying right? haha...

you can ignore me.....

you can make me feel unwanted....

but it's ok....

i'll keep this one sided emotion until i burst...

it's what i'm good at

this is just an entry where i'm going to vent my most recent..... well... frustrations... so if you've got something against needy people who don't have an outlet... don't read on



now then...

let's just say i'm the kind of person who's fingers can talk better than his mouth.... probably because my brain works faster when less energy is being used to power the jaw, face, etc...

anyway...

dad started a conversation (he's a religious intellectual.... not a good combo in a person, trust me).... and it just so happened that the topic for the night was "what is the point of marriage".... i picked not throwing in a opinion... they're saying pretty much the same thing anyway....

now... remember the earlier paragraph where i said my fingers talk better? well.... the problem with me is... my ideas turn to mush when being processed into speech so much so that they come up WAAAY different from when i first thought them up..

well... under direct "coercion" from both my brother and dad... i said "the point of marriage is picking someone (of the opposite gender, sorry folks, lesbian lover that i am, i'm not for same-sex marriages) who you would be with for the rest of your life for all the right reasons (i was gonna add something else but i like being short and simple in what i say)....

then, my brother, as much of an ass i believe him to be, says "well, what if i DON'T know the right reasons"

i was walking away when i said "then you're screwed" (note: i was walking away 'cuz i'm juggling the conversation and the leeched-upon neighbor's wifi which most likely will be cut off in a matter of minutes)....

then dad gets offended and launches off into this long lecture which i can only answer in my head... i hate it when that happens but hey... that's what you get if you don't want your parents to figure that you grew up a cynic and impulsively harsh in basically everything you say...

funny thing was i get referenced to Esau and that was what frustrated me most...

crap... i'm 23 and i'm still going through the teen "you don't understand me, you suck!" phase of life....


like i said.... frustrating

ok..... how do i start?

lemme try this...


all my life.. i've kept my heart in this handy dandy box for me to carry on my own.... it ain't that bad really.... i've gotten to be used to anyway...


oh well.... in comes this girl..... (there always is )

and not only does she offer to carry that box for me..... she opens it up and takes out my heart to let it grow....


well.... she up and went to marry someone else and i'm here hanging on my own again with my heart slipping between my fingers....


oh well....


i could've handled it better if not for this OTHER girl.... (sensing a pattern here?)

i've been rejected again... haha....

but it DID lead me to this grand epiphany....

i'm looking for someone.... the same way everyone does at some point in life....

it's someone that can carry my heart with me.... 'cuz i'm starting to find it hard to carry on my own now.... it's tiring.... and lonely.... hahaha

and the only thing i can do is laugh because i know somewhere, somehow, someone is laughing at this too

some things are worth it i guess....

haha... i'm not much of a believer in rebounds and i'm not the type to wallow too deep in fonder memories.... so i guess...

there's this girl in school (isn't there always? haha).... she's spunky... she's cute... she has this cute nose that she's rather embarrassed of.... i guess she just grows on me...

thing is... before i realized it... before i found out for myself that i might actually have feelings for this girl... i've been her close personal pest...

haynako ....

the things i do.... and the messes i make...

now i'm seriously considering telling her how i feel...

crap.... i'm a mess....